he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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