Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
