This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
