I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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