i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize