There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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