I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
