Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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