Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
