I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
