I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I am available for nakedness
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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