Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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