Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
