my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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