you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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