I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
