My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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