o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
