He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
