So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
50% drunk capacity currently
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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