if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover