On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
