I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
