We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
