It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
