Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
