Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
