i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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