Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
