when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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