I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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