its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
