You just made me feel so damn special
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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