this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I party with great urgency now.
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