I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
