Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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