All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
