i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
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Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
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oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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