I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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