I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
