Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
