Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
