I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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