One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
