Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
