Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
