This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
