If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
