were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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