Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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