im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
