I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
