i was rollin on her like bob the builder
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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