found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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