Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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